Making peace with tough choices

My husband and I recently made a big decision.  We will begin homeschooling our youngest daughter, who is in first grade, after Christmas break.

The reasons behind our decision are many, and personal, but they all have to do with meeting her needs at this time, and not with any dissatisfaction with her current environment.

Much prayer and attempts at discernment have gone into this decision.  Now that it has been made, there is more peace in my heart, and I am looking forward to moving forward.

This decision shows me how much I have grown in recent years.  I think we are making the right decision, but I am not completely sure.  And I am OK with that.  I am trying to do God's will.  I believe my heart is in the right place.  And I trust He sees that and will bless my efforts because of my desire to please Him.

In the past, I was so concerned about making the right choice, it was like there was a vice-grip on my heart.  Fear ruled, not peace.  Yes, I wanted to please God, but I didn't trust the full extent of His love for me.  I didn't understand that He doesn't abandon us.  Ever.  And especially not when we make what is perhaps a wrong choice while doing our best to seek His will.  He knows our hearts.  And that means more to Him than whether or not we follow some perfect "plan" He has mapped out for us.  In fact, He gave us free will, and He delights in us using it in ways meant to honor Him.

This prayer, by Thomas Merton, sums up how I often feel when making big decisions.  It's OK to not always get everything perfectly right.  That's how we truly live; that freedom is where we can find peace, and joy.

“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”

While I was online, searching for the above quote, I came across what is perhaps the most beautiful writing on discernment I have ever seen.  I wish I would have found it years ago, but perhaps I wouldn't have fully appreciated its wisdom at that time.  It is by Peter Kreeft, whose writing I have heard recommended for everyone interested in their faith, but particularly for high school- and college-aged youth and the particular questions they face.  Anyone with a child in that age group, asking questions about their faith  (and who isn't at that age?), would probably benefit from looking into more of Kreeft's writings.  His website with the article on discernment is here.  I think discernment definitely is a universal question!

Here is a small taste of what you will find in Kreeft's article: "Discernment itself should not be a stiff, brittle, anxious thing, but—since it too is part of God's will for our lives—loving and joyful and peace-filled, more like a game than a war, more like writing love letters than taking final exams."

How many of us, when faced with big decisions, approach it "more like writing love letters than taking final exams"?  But yet, if we grasp even a small amount of the love and care there is for us in the heart of the One who came to earth as a small babe in a manger -- if we understand we do not make these decisions alone, but He walks with us, and will continue to, wherever that road may lead us -- maybe the process could be more like writing a love letter.  This is a relationship in which even our mistakes can lead us closer to Him.

I am nursing a baby while writing this, and I can tell you that God came as a baby because He wanted to tell us something about the relationship He wants to have with us.  He doesn't stand above us, waiting to strike us down.  He desires to be near us, nestled close to our hearts, sharing in our smiles, multiplying our joy, filling us with warmth and peace.

May God bless you, and all of your decisions, this Christmas and in the new year.

Filling her bucket

Dear Kate,
Kindergarten is a tough year.  Especially when you go all day.

Add to that a baby brother -- who you LOVE -- being born during the third week of the school year, and it's no wonder you've had your fair share of tears and mornings you just wanted to stay home.

Can I tell you a secret? Most of those mornings, I would have loved to have kept you at home with Nicholas and me.  I remember telling you shortly after he was born that although you couldn't stay home and hold him all you wanted to then, you would have lots of time when summer came.  You said to me amidst tears that once summer came, he wouldn't want you to hold him like he did when he was a new baby.

You were right.  I don't know how you knew that, but you were right, and it broke my heart.

Kindergarten has been a very good year, too.  You love your teacher.  It was her first year, but she's won your heart, and she's won mine as well.

I took this picture of you two on a recent field trip.  As we looked through my camera later that day, you said, "My arms felt jiggly when you took the picture, and they still feel jiggly now!"

Oh, to be a kindergarten teacher, and to have these precious little ones acting like a picture with you is akin to a middle-schooler getting their picture taken with Taylor Swift!

Your favorite past-time this year has been closing the door to the den and playing school.  You do NOT want anyone else in there with you, because then you get embarrassed.  But there are glass doors, and it's not soundproof, so we all see you with your books and pens and paper.  And I've heard you on you "cellphone" (an old walkie-talkie) talking to the principal about various students in your class.  Even your nine-year-old brother can't help but look at me, suppress a giggle, smile, and say, "She's so cute!"

But life is busy with five children in the house, and sometimes you feel the crunch of being little, but no longer the littlest.  So I was very thankful when, last week, you had the chance to have not just one, but two very special days.

First was your field trip to the Shrine of the Little Flower near Detroit, and to the Detroit Zoo.  I wasn't sure if I should take Nicholas on such a long day, but I am so glad we shared in those special places with you.  You are my third child to go on these field trips, but because I always had too many little ones at home to make the trip feasible, I've never been able to go before.

So I'd never seen the Shrine.  And oh, I was missing out! 

The outside architecture is so powerful, and the artwork inside tells beautiful stories I want impressed on your heart -- and on mine too!  Like this carving, in which our Blessed Mother is holding the Baby Jesus, and handing rose petals to St. Therese, who is dropping them to Earth with her other hand.  Before she died, St. Therese promised, "After my death I will let fall a shower of roses. I will spend my Heaven doing good on earth."

Do you know how much this reminds me of shortly after I learned I was pregnant with you (nine months after having Luke)?  When the rose bush I'd gotten for my first Mother's Day five years earlier -- which had never given us more than a couple flowers -- suddenly burst out in amazing glory with dozens of them?  My heart felt so comforted -- this child is from God.  A joy.  A precious gift.  You still love to see pictures of those roses, and I still love to look at them too. (Of course, we found out later that Daddy had emptied a bottle of fertilizer on the roses during the Spring, but that's okay; God loves speaking to us through natural means!)

Then we were on to the zoo, where you were once again so confident and proud of taking charge of your baby brother.  You had pulled your hair back specifically to keep it from getting grabbed by crocodiles in the reptile house.

The day was full of fun, and smiles, and watching you be silly with friends, and being glad to see polar bears and rhinoceroses, but especially being glad to see (and listen to) you.

The next night, I took you to a ballet recital, where we met one of your dear friends and her mom (who is my dear friend). We went simply to see something you love (ballet), with a friend you love, while doing something else you love (getting dressed up).

I couldn't leave Nick for too long, but it was long enough for us to be together, and for me to once again listen to your questions, and thoughts, and everything to which I wish I always had time to pay such close attention.

And now, tonight you are at your grandparents' cottage with your cousin (what a week!), and I miss your smiles, your hugs, your helpfulness, your reminders of how much you love us all.  If you ever see anything in the world that makes you long to be anything other than who you are, please remember that God knew who we needed, and it was you. 

He knew what kind of heart this world needed, and it was yours.

The base of a Sacred Heart statue at the Shrine of the Little Flower.
There is no better place for our hearts to be than united with Him.

Honestly, some times I look at you -- and at each of my children -- and find myself wondering, "This is such an amazing person!  How do we deserve this amazing person in our family?"  And the answer is, we don't.  But God blessed us with you anyway.   So we'll keep loving you the best we can while digging deeply into His grace, and we'll keep being so thankful He did!

Love,
Mommy

P.S. I thought you might enjoy some more pictures from our day!

Let God fill in where we fall short

We were able to make a short getaway at the end of Spring Break to visit my grandparents.

We stayed two nights in a hotel with a pool and a hot tub, and for my children, this is a little bit of heaven.

It is for me too, but I think for different reasons. The trip wasn't long enough – it never is – but it was a chance to slow down, to step out of our day-to-day life for a little bit, and to look at my children through different eyes. Not, “Have they cleaned their rooms,” or “Are they ready for school?” But, “Wow – they are growing up so fast!” And, “They are such amazing people! I want to do this more – slow down, look them in the eyes, listen to them, be silly with them, just be with them.”

Each one of my children surprised me in some way during the weekend.

Kate loved “dancing” in the pool with Nicholas and me. She wants to learn how to swim, and she couldn't get enough of the time we spent with me holding her up the the water without her life jacket, encouraging her to kick and move her arms. But that part without the life jacket? We didn't try it until Sunday morning, just before it was time to go! And we could have stayed in there all day!

Luke took advantage of the weekend by swimming all around the pool with only his life jacket. This is a very big deal for him. Even though we spend most of our summers around lakes, every year has been a slow progression in his ability and desire to swim. So balancing with only the life jacket, and leaving the edge of the pool without a parent was a huge accomplishment, and I am so proud to see him blossom in this way!

 

Brendan kept jumping in with a big splash, and was all over the pool, and under the water. This was great to see too, because it's more proof of just how far a child can go even with only making small strides every summer! I love seeing his hard-won confidence in and enjoyment of the water!

Meghan always has been a fish. But it's still fun to see her enjoy the water, and it was great just to spend time with her. Nick merely dipped in his toes, and got swarmed by his siblings every time he came into the pool. What a gift!

Somehow, taking five children to the pool also reminded me that we do have a relatively "large" family.  And slowing down even that little bit reminded me of the day-to-day challenges of parenting multiple children, of trying to connect with each of them on a daily basis, and of how often I feel I am falling short of who I want to be for them.

I don't think I am alone in this. With as much as most people want to do for their children, I imagine even having only one child could still leave parents feeling like they are falling short!

That is when I find comfort in knowing my husband and I are not all my children have.

They have a brother, Jesus, who loves them more than we do. They have a mother, Mary, who loves them more than we do (John 19:26-27). They have a father, God, who loves them more than we do.

And, while loving our children, He gave them this family, with all of its imperfections!

Pope Benedict XVI said, “We have grown accustomed to make a clear distinction between Peter the rock and Peter the denier of Christ... But, in reality, he was at both times both of these. …. Has it not been thus throughout the history of the Church that the Pope, the successor of Peter, has been at once Petra and Skandalon – both the rock of God and a stumbling block?” (from the Magnificat on March 27, 2013.)

When I read that, I instantly thought how true that also is for parents, at least for me. I am, at various times, both a rock and a stumbling block for my children.

Fortunately, I can ask God to make up the difference. When we only had a couple small children, my husband and I visited the home of some fellow parishioners with an older, larger family, and this is what the wife shared with me that she had to do every night: ask Mary to mother her children in all the ways she either could not or did not that day. Ask God to provide for the needs in her children's hearts that, despite her best efforts, had gone unmet.

We should not hesitate to beg God for such graces.

As I was debating last year about whether or not homeschooling with a new baby would be a good choice for our family, a teacher and fellow mom at my children's co-op shared her experience that God had always met her children's needs. She said that during the year when she had twins, one child's reading suddenly “clicked.” And in some areas where she had seen her children struggle, they began to grow.

I've had other homeschoolers tell me how God answered their very specific prayers for a child to find a friend.

We can trust our God. He wants to provide for our needs.

A biography I recently read about St. Gianna Beretta Molla said that St. Gianna's mother (who gave birth to 13 children) once expressed an Italian proverb that “'Every baby is born with a loaf of bread under its arm,' that is, with the gift of life, God provides all that is necessary.” I saw this proverb come true in our lives when Luke was born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate that we hadn't expected. Family members simply put checks in the mail that helped cover unanticipated medical expenses. And grace flooded our marriage, enabling my husband and I to be patient and loving to each other during what could have been the most stressful time of our lives.

It is too much weight on any parent's shoulders to think they alone must meet all of a child's needs.    Let us do our best to serve, and love, and connect with our children each day. But also, let us not scorn assistance from those who wish to help us. Let us turn -- often -- to the heavenly family, who loves our children perfectly. And when the opportunity presents itself, let us not hesitate to dance with our children, in the pool, without life jackets!