Facing Change with Our Father

With about a foot of snow falling over the past twenty-four hours, it is indeed "beginning to look a lot like Christmas" . . . and yet my last post was in June!

I could make excuses, but that doesn't seem fitting with the whole purpose of this blog, which is to share the work Christ is doing in my family's life with anyone it may encourage, and most specifically, with my children. Maybe the words they find here one day will help them see the many ways in which He walked with us, and was the Source of all the Good we have experienced in our life together.

The view out my front door Sunday morning.

So, no excuses; just gratitude for a summer in which I was blessed to have time to care for, and enjoy, my children and home. Time in which I was able to listen to God.

That time is more important than ever, because our family is in a time of many transitions.

Meghan started high school. She now travels about thirty-five minutes each way, every day, instead of the seven-minute commute our younger children enjoy.

And . . . I now have a part-time job outside of our home.

This is something about which my husband and I have been praying for some time now. When we chose a Catholic high school instead of the local public one, it seemed something would have to change at some point.

I was able to go into the whole process with a lot of peace, which truly was a gift of God's grace. Nothing happened overnight; it was probably a year-and-a-half of preparing my resume, and sending it out, and really just trying to discern what would be a good fit for our family.

There was a whole lot that wouldn't work--and we weren't willing to sacrifice the heart of what we've been trying to build up over the past nearly fifteen years. Catholic education is important to us, but we couldn't sacrifice our family for it.

God helped us to trust Him. It seems He kept asking us to trust Him in many little ways, and all of that added up to make this big leap relatively easy.

God showed me through this journey that He is so much bigger than we ever imagine, even as we tell ourselves we trust in Him. Even when we do trust in Him--even when we see Him work amazing things in our lives--what He can do is still so much more than I think our brains and hearts will ever fully comprehend in this life.

Meghan Dymphna celebrated her Confirmation on the morning of Halloween.
Bishop Earl Boyea gave a beautiful homily that day.

God helped me trust that if He wanted us to continue with Catholic high school, He would make it possible. I didn't know at the time how He would achieve that; He just helped me trust that He would take care of it.

My part, I felt, was simply to knock at and go through the doors He presented to me. There is a big difference between following the paths He seemed to place before me, feeling that I needed to run around looking for every possible path available,  pursuing all of those paths, and then having to figure out on my own what would be the best fit for my family.

Running around in that kind of a chaotic, exhausting way, is something I definitely would have done in the not-too-distant past. What mercy God extended to us, in that He helped me see He knew what would be best for us, and that He could reveal the plan to us in His time, if only we could take a deep breath and patiently trust!

We celebrated with a luncheon at our home after the Conformation.
I am so grateful for our daughter and for our faith.

When I submitted my resume and things didn't work out, it was OK, because I had such a deep peace. I knew that clearly wasn't the plan God had in mind for us. But I had done my part; I had gone through the door as far as I could. And He took all those efforts, and all of that work, and used it so I was ready when the right opportunity arose.

And when that opportunity came, He flooded me with so much peace, it didn't even seem like there was a decision to be made.

I marvel at it still. After being a full-time mom for nearly fifteen years, I accepted a job working outside of my home, and it was so simple.

God has blessed us in this position beyond what I could ever have imagined: I am working as an editor for a Catholic organization. I am doing work I love that brings me closer to God. I work with people who are fun, kind, and faith-filled. And my schedule is flexible enough to meet my family's needs.

Actually, the fact that it is a Catholic organization is also an answer to a prayer I rarely ever vocalized. For a number of years, I have done freelance writing for a Catholic newspaper. Getting to write about people living out their faith has been such a gift; in the depths of my heart, I hoped and prayed I could always dedicate my writing to God through work that glorified Him in a specifically faith-based way.

Thank You, dear Lord.

That is not to say this transition has not been without heartache. The night after I accepted the job, I actually reconsidered my decision, because the pain in my heart at the thought of leaving my three-year-old, Nicholas, and at not being available for my family in the same way I have been, seemed too much to bear.

I think I asked my sister-in-law, who works, "Is this what every working mom feels like? That your heart is being ripped out of your chest?"

She said yes.

This little guy was happy to help his big sister celebrate.
He also loved having his two great-grandmothers over for the day.

My husband encouraged me to continue; so did my children. Their enthusiasm and support has warmed my heart in so many ways. As I couldn't hold back some tears the night before I had to leave Nicholas with the babysitter for the first time, Brendan put his arm on my shoulder and gave me some real words of comfort. He is growing up in so many ways!

I am so thankful I persevered. While the pain is still there in some ways, there also are many blessings that come along with this opportunity. Just driving to work provides me with more quiet than I get most days when I am home!

I am able to fill my work with a lot of prayer. I want my work, along with all I do for my family, to be a prayer. God put me in this position because He believes my gifts can serve this work of His in some way. That is true for my work at home as well, but this is reminding me of that and is refreshing me by helping me see the gifts He has given me in a new light.

Also, I get to talk to people! My life as a mom has been lacking in that a bit, I think. It is nice to get to know these people, and to pray for them, and to feel part of a bigger circle. Plus, it is a Catholic work environment--so I can actually tell them I am praying for them, and we can actually talk about things in relation to our faith. I realize that is a blessing I cannot overstate!

God also has provided in small ways that actually are big deals for our family. Nick's babysitter is a sweet girl and he enjoys being with her (although he still asks first thing, every morning, whether I will stay home that day; and he still gets upset if I say no--heartbreak!).

And, Nick potty-trained pretty much completely in the one week I had between accepting the job and beginning work. That is a gift!

That's not ice cream--it's snow! He loves playing in the snow,
but I think he loves eating it more! Silly guy!

I am so glad I took this time to update here. I actually felt so relieved when I got this job, in part, because it meant I didn't have to look for ways to monetize my blog. Here, at least, I can simply continue to write as God leads me. This is an opportunity for which I also give thanks!

Now it is time to get ready for Mass, and Brendan's lacrosse practice, and a pre-Thanksgiving Costco trip. With Nicholas at my side the whole time! And with gratitude and joy in my heart for all of God's gifts, and for His greatness at leading my life in directions more wonderful than I could have imagined on my own.

In the joy, He walks with us. In the heartache, He walks with us. Truly, He is a great God. Let us give thanks that we also may call Him "Father."

Camp helps kids and moms grow

Yesterday we picked up Brendan after a week at Pine Hills, an area Christian/Catholic camp. I surprised myself by tearing up when I saw him.  Although I missed him, I had worked hard to keep our week full, since my other boys missed their big brother so much.  We had cousin sleepovers, strawberry picking, and time at the lake.

But on quite a few occasions, I found myself awake in the middle of the night, for two-hour stretches at least. I used that time to pray for Brendan.  We never received a card from him (despite our instructions to send us at least a note that said "fun" or "not fun"); he said no one at the camp sent letters.

Nick got a hug before I did! These two were so happy to see each other!

I thought this week would have the power to touch Brendan's heart, and help him grow in his faith and as a young man in some profound ways. But that doesn't mean my heart didn't ache and wonder a bit as the week neared its end and we still had no news.

Our daughter Meghan has loved Pine Hills Girls Camp. This will be her third and final year as a camper there, and since Day One it has become the highlight of her year. She has grown in her faith, and the knowledge that God loves her as she is, and that she is so beautiful in His sight, has firmly been planted in her heart.

But the boys' camp is different than the girls' camp. We had heard tales about it being more like a boot camp, and about boys needing to run from Point A to Point B, but none of that deterred Brendan. Since Meghan returned from her first camp experience, he has been eagerly waiting for his turn to go. I believe he saw it as a rite of passage.

I was amazed to watch the boy who, not too long ago, would tear up when he had to sleep away from us, or if his Dad was away for work for a time, head into camp without a trace of nervousness.  All I saw on his face was pure excitement.

Even when we trudged to his cabin through hard rain and big puddles, he kept smiling. Even when we realized the boys use a different area of camp -- an area with very basic structures for cabins (versus the girls' more luxurious air-conditioned ones), he kept smiling. Even when Meghan saw where he would stay and expressed her fear that maybe this wasn't what we expected, and maybe Brendan wouldn't like camp -- he kept smiling. Even as I grabbed one more hug before walking away for a week, he kept smiling.

The following pictures (except the last one) are from our Father's Day picnic.
Nicholas LOVED this park, river, and bridge.

It was a strange moment for me as a mom -- realizing that I had to trust the people who run the camp knew what they were doing. I had to trust they knew something about boys I probably didn't.

As Meghan asked how I could be at peace with leaving him, while she was nervous for him, I had to tell her that while the rough accommodations wouldn't be right for her, they probably were just right for Brendan. While it was nice for the girls to be served when team members cart their bags to their cabins for them (this was the case Meghan's first year), it's also nice for boys to learn to be men by being responsible for getting their own bags to their cabins -- even through the rain and mud! While it was nice for Meghan to have air conditioning, Brendan would be OK with the fans in his cabin. And if the fact that we didn't bring him his own fan ended up causing him some discomfort, well, that could be OK too, because life is like that, and we have to learn to make the most of things even when they aren't perfect.

I trusted this camp had a  different goal than the girls' camp. This camp was for helping shape boys into young men. Not just any young men, but young men of faith. Soldiers for Christ.

I had to trust all of the positives of camp would work toward that end. And then I had to trust all of the challenges would work toward that end too.

I think Brendan was hungry for the opportunity to prove to himself that he is a young man, and that he can survive -- he can thrive -- even without his every need being anticipated.

I laughed to myself as I picked him up, because one weight on my heart I had to push aside as we left him was the fact that I neglected to pack any anti-itch cream for mosquito bites (something I've never forgotten for Meghan). His cabin was near a swampy area, and I realized there probably would be a lot of bugs.

Sure, enough, his legs are covered in mosquito bites, but he brushed it off as he explained how he got most of them playing whole-camp games of Capture the Flag. He learned to deal with it, patiently, while proving himself on the battlefield. How do you teach someone to deal patiently with minor (and especially not-so-minor) irritations? Perhaps they have to learn it by having their eyes on a higher goal -- for adults, hopefully that would be service to family or God's kingdom; for middle-school boys, perhaps that lessons begins best by giving them the opportunity to work for their team.

I have no doubt the lesson will serve him far beyond the Capture-the-Flag field of battle.

I never thought I would send my children to overnight camps. How could I ever trust an organization to ensure all of the people who would come in contact with my children would work for their welfare? In today's world, this is not a question to be taken lightly.

But then I heard Debbie Herbeck, the head of Pine Hills Girls Camp, speak. The Holy Spirit touched my heart. I knew I could trust Debbie. And I knew Meghan needed to go to Pine Hills.

I never looked back. I never questioned whether we could afford it. I simply signed her up. My confidence in that decision never wavered. (And that is very unlike me!) 

When Brendan wanted to go to camp, I knew we would have to let him go too. I wanted him to have the opportunity to grow in the same way Meghan did.

But there was a difference. I never heard the head of the boys' camp speak. The Holy Spirit never directed me regarding Brendan, at least not in that same way. But still, I chose to trust.

And I am so glad I did.

Today's Gospel reading (Mark 4:35-41), says "On that day, as evening drew on, Jesus said to His apostles, 'Let us cross to the other side."

The Magnificat expounded on this, saying, "His beckoning Let us cross woos us to live life as a risk."

Yes -- let us live life as a risk. Not risk merely for the sake of risk, but risk as being willing to step out in faith to the places God calls us.

This could mean sending your child to a Catholic high school. It could mean changing your career course. It could mean being open to life. It could mean following a dream and hoping it can lead to something bigger.

Brendan, on the right, still wearing a smile a week later.

Or it could be as simple as sending your son to camp. For the son, it could be as simple as going.

In some way, right now, God is calling each of us to put out into the deep (Luke 5:4).

I hope we can all say "Yes" with the same confidence Brendan had as he left for camp last week. And as we walk down the path of that Yes, I hope we also can have his faith, and confidence. No matter what deterrents come along to entice us to do otherwise, I hope we can be like Brendan and keep smiling.

From Luke 5: 4-6: " He said to Simon, “Put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch.” 5 And Simon answered, “Master, we toiled all night and took nothing! But at your word I will let down the nets.” 6 And when they had done this, they enclosed a great shoal of fish ...."

'Something Other than God' describes journey to faith through reason

Jennifer Fulwiler's book, "Something Other than God" was just what I needed to jump-start my summer reading. I'm actually going to email my priest and suggest this be the book they distribute to all of the parishioners and visitors next Christmas. It has given me new eyes -- perfect for stepping out into this new season with a fresh perspective.  "Something Other Than God" is engaging and life-changing, and examines the Catholic Church through the eyes of reason and faith.

It's also a very approachable book.  My 14-year-old daughter picked it up within hours of me setting it down, and finished it later that night.

A friend loaned me the book after I mentioned watching -- and loving -- this video of Fulwiler's journey to discover what Mary would look like in today's world. (If you are a woman, just watch the video.  You will thank me -- especially if you are a woman at all questioning how you are being asked to live out your faith and vocation amidst your own individual circumstances. My favorite line was from Fulwiler's friend's spiritual director: "The Church is clear about what constitutes sin: every failure to love, that's sin. But the positive the Church leaves wide open. God wants us to be free to use all of our intelligence and all of our gifts to follow where He is calling us. The Church should be the place of the greatest possible experience of true freedom.")

A candle my children recently lit at Mary, Queen of the Universe Church in Orlando, FL.
The following pictures also come from this beautiful church. If you ever get a chance to visit,
confession is available almost all day, and the gift shop is extensive!

The title of Fulwiler's book comes from a C.S. Lewis quote, "All that we call human history ... (is) the long, terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy."

I took the book with me on a recent family vacation, but didn't get a chance to open it until the plane ride home, when Nick fell asleep for a blissful two hours.

Once I started this book, I could barely put it down until I'd finished it. Fulwiler was raised an ardent atheist, and her story tracks her slow conversion to Catholicism.

Hers was a leap of faith accompanied by extensive and relentless study and reason. I loves this book for the compelling way it shares with others the very thing that led me to make the Catholic faith truly my own: The Church has reasons for its teachings.  Reasons that resonate with both my mind and my heart.  Reasons supported by history and by logic.

As much as our world may want to contend there can be as many truths as there are people, logic dictates there ultimately can be only one Truth. Fulwiler's journey describes how someone least likely to ascribe that Truth to the Catholic Church finally did, but only after having the doors to all other options close.

Fulwiler's book is ideal for people finding themselves in a similar search for Truth. It's equally ideal for someone like myself, a devout Catholic nevertheless a bit burdened by life, asking God for help stripping away those things holding me back from being closer to Him.  All of those things she tried to fill her life with in order to not notice the emptiness there without God's love?  I'm guilty of allowing some of those same things into my life -- and I should know better.

Fulwiler's story ultimately is one of courage and of Love. As much as she sought Truth, He clearly sought her more, and with the most enduring patience.  Her journey also was not without loss.  Fulwiler and her husband gave up much, but gained so much more.  Most importantly, they found something we all desire: peace.

Let me know if you decide to give "Something Other Thank God" a try.  I would love to hear your thoughts about the book!

Our Lady of Guadalupe: I find such comfort in discovering
her in almost every church or chapel I visit.

An invitation to serve the homebound

When it comes to matters of faith, never underestimate the power of an invitation.

While conducting interviews for a story I recently wrote about Eucharistic ministers to the homebound, one name came up again and again: Delores Denome.

These pictures are from the Father Solanus Casey Center in Detroit,
where I recently went with my daughter's 8th grade class.
This is a statue of Mother Teresa. I highly recommend a visit!

Delores has passed away, but her name was mentioned because she ran the homebound ministry program for our parish for a number of years. Each person I interviewed became a Eucharistic minister after Delores' invitation.  Most didn't think they were up to the job, but Delores encouraged them, and now they've been serving in this way 15-20 years.

I knew Delores because she showed me how to take Communion to the homebound shortly after I graduated from college.

She matched me up with a woman named Isabella, who lived in an adult foster care home on my way to church.  I have to admit that I was not as faithful at visiting Isabella as I wish I had been.  There were many weeks I found myself without time to visit her.

However, we still developed a rapport. There was something very special about my time with her. In fact, she began coming to Mass with me.  Once I met my husband (then my boyfriend), he would pick me up for Mass, and we would pick up Isabella.

I remember those as very special times.

 

Sorry about the flash! There was so much wisdom to glean!
It reads, "... we would be able to pass from being great sinners
one day to great saints the next. We are ..."

Isabella seemed to know Doug and I cared for each other, and she would get in the car and smile as though she knew a very special secret.  We began taking her to McDonald's after Mass some times, and she enjoyed her food and coffee with such delight.

She reminded me of a small child who found so much joy in the simple things.

All of these memories came flooding back to me so clearly as I spoke to people for this recent story.

What a gift Delores gave those homebound parishioners who benefited from extra care and the Eucharist! What a gift she gave the men and women who have been blessed -- truly blessed -- by being part of others' lives in this way for such a long time.

Venerable Father Solanus Cassey. I recommend
the book, "Thank God Ahead of Time."

Each woman I spoke with said they have received far more than they have given through homebound ministry.  On average, they spend 30 minutes to an hour each week praying and visiting with the people to whom they take Communion. During this time, they develop strong relationships.

They are bringing Jesus to others; in the process, they come closer to Jesus themselves.

The Eucharistic ministers I spoke with have said a lot of goodbyes. But intermingled with those goodbyes are many stories of beautiful people who have touched their lives, and taught them about how to carry their suffering.

My own Grandmother found one such beautiful relationship in a woman named Denise.  I met Denise at a marriage dinner, heard she attended a parish across the street from the senior home where my Grandmother lived, and went out on a limb by asking whether she attended Eucharistic Adoration, and whether she would mind taking my Grandmother as well.

The question must have been divinely inspired, because they developed a friendship that spanned several years.  Denise and my Grandmother were spiritual friends who appreciated the same books, and shared the same beautiful faith. From time to time, I still see Denise, and I feel so very close to my Grandmother whenever I speak to her.

Father Solanus Casey often prayed before this crucifix.

My Grandmother also knew a man, George, who brought her Communion for nearly a decade.  He followed her through three moves, and she looked on him as a spiritual advisor.  People have told me so many times what a gift my Grandma was to them; these people were truly gifts from God to my Grandma.

That is largely what inspired me to write the homebound Communion story.  I saw firsthand -- through my own experiences, and through my Grandma's -- what a life-changing, possibly life-saving, when you consider how important human connection is in our lives, difference homebound Eucharistic ministers can make.

As one woman I spoke with said, "Ours may be the last eyes they see in this world."  It was not uncommon for me to hear stories of people for whom the Eucharistic minister was their only visitor, week after week.

What better gift is there to bring to the aging and lonely than Jesus Himself?  The three elderly women I met with all felt so blessed to be reconnected with the faith that had seen them through so many years.  One woman's eyes filled with tears as she received the Eucharist.

 

The Sacred Heart of Jesus

Eucharistic ministers also receive the gift of visiting with Jesus Himself -- as He is present in the infirm, lonely, and homebound: "I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me." (Matthew 25:36)

As I visited with those three beautiful women receiving Communion, I thought about how much work God must be able to do in our last days, and about how the Eucharist better enables us to receive every grace He desires for us.

I also thought about the beautiful legacy left by Delores Denome. People have been sharing Jesus with others for decades now, thanks to her simple invitations that have borne such great fruit.

You enter through this door, which reads: "Ask, Seek, Knock."
And in Nicholas' case, "Open!"

Cleft update: Considering a team change, advocating for Luke

(I recently realized maybe sharing our cleft journey could truly be of help to others, so I want to write about this time of change.  Perhaps it will help someone else to avoid some of the pitfalls we have faced!  Also, please pray for a family I spoke to recently who is expecting the birth of a child who will have a cleft and perhaps other complications.  This family already has experienced the loss of an infant. I pray they are blessed with much peace and abundant health!)

 

This has been quite a year for trying to help things move forward with care Luke needs for his cleft.

When we realized a year ago that we'd reached the time for braces, we decided to investigate the cleft team at a hospital closer to us.  The orthodontist with our current team is 1-1/2 hours away in good weather and traffic conditions.  We have been with him since Luke was born, and we trust him, but braces require more frequent visits than usual, and Luke's school attendance is important to us too!

So, upon the recommendation of a doctor we actually saw at a cleft team appointment last Spring, I reached out to the orthodontist at a different, closer hospital last summer.  She was amazing -- personable, caring, and helpful.  We met with her, and continued to feel at peace with the decision to change teams.

This actually is a small mouse.  In three days, the kids found a mouse, snakes, and a turtle!

One thing Luke and I really liked about visiting the new ortho clinic was that we got to see other kids with clefts!  They all visit on the same day, and the doctor said parents often share wisdom about surgeries they've already experienced.  Plus, Luke got to see he isn't alone in this walk!

The orthodontist referred us to an oral surgeon.  We met with him, and were told they would call us the next week to let us know what the two doctors agreed would be the best next step.

However, that conversation never happened.  After a couple weeks, I called to check.  Did they want Luke to have a bone graft now, or to move forward with an expander?  No one knew.

I called, week after week, for a few months.  I finally decided that hospital did not have time to give my son the care he needed, and that we would simply stay with our old team.

We moved forward with them, getting molds done and then waiting on insurance approval.  After nine weeks went by, I called to check on the approval's status.

They hadn't heard back yet, and couldn't say how long approval would take.

This was unacceptable to me, as it was now March, and I had started this process with the other hospital in August.  I was able to reach the insurance company's pre-approval department, which informed me they had just receive my orthodontist's request for the expander -- the day after I had called to check on its status (nine weeks after it should have been submitted).

Now I really didn't know what to do, or who to trust.  Clearly communication wasn't perfect with either team. 

I followed up by trying to make an annual cleft team appointment for Luke with his old team -- and learned the head surgeon -- and the entire team -- had switched to another hospital even farther away from my home!  I have no idea why I hadn't heard about this change earlier.

Now I was at a complete loss as to what we should do, and I felt very alone in this cleft journey.  I am entrusting these people with the care of my son, and neither group seemed able to manage even simple communication!

I decided to give the new hospital, the one closer to home, one more try.  Maybe if we were seen as part of their team, we would be more on the doctors' radar, and we would be better able to communicate.  I found a number I'd gotten nearly a year earlier for the cleft team coordinator, and explained my story, not without a few tears.  Even though they are normally booked months in advance, she was able to schedule us for the next month.  We arrived, and spent an entire day speaking with specialists and other professionals concerned about Luke's care.

The thing that broke my heart that day was hearing we were behind on moving forward with Luke's expander. (Can you imagine why?)

I was surprised to learn that he would potentially lose one or both of his canine teeth as a result of this delay.  No one had ever mentioned that before! The oral surgeons can't perform the one graft until after expansion is done.  And if those teeth come in before the bone graft, he will lose them because there isn't enough bone to support them.

This news was like a punch in the gut! After everything I had been trying to do to be proactive in Luke's care, he was about to potentially lose teeth because I wasn't able to move fast enough.  I tried not to blame myself for not somehow making the doctors return my calls months earlier.  That guilt just wasn't going to get me anywhere.

We had a very positive experience with the new team, despite the long day.  I called the orthodontist's office the next morning to schedule an expander appointment.  There was no time to lose!

Except they couldn't get Luke in for over a month.  And even then, that would just be the start of getting approval for the plan for which our other orthodontist already had the insurance's OK.

Making things even more complicated, the secretary told me if I started with our current orthodontist, we wouldn't be able to switch to the new team at a later date.  She said the doctor wouldn't want to see us if we had started care with another doctor.

This seemed so wrong!  Luke needed to move forward in order to preserve his teeth.  But by moving forward with the doctor who already had a care plan in place, I would be eliminating the possibility of later changing to a team and hospital so much closer to our home!  One we liked, and had spent the entire previous day visiting!

I couldn't believe I had wasted more of our time.

This time, I didn't not want to give up without a fight.  I looked online, and found an email for the new team's orthodontist.  I wrote her about my concerns for Luke's need to move forward with care, and my desire to eventually transfer to her team for care.

You know what?  She emailed me back the next morning and asked me to call her.  I did, and the conversation exceeded my expectations.

She agreed Luke should move forward with the care plan already in place.  She said she would be happy to see him when he was ready for the next stage of treatment. She thanked me for the clear manner in which I had discussed our situation in the email. She even gave me her cell phone number!

I am so happy I took these extra steps to reach out to the doctors providing Luke's care.  I definitely wish I would have reached out in this way sooner, but looking back won't help.  I am trusting God has Luke in His hands, and that somehow this timing is the best for Luke's care in the long run, probably in ways we will never see.

I feel more confident now about changing teams, since I know that when the hospital system is putting walls between me and the doctors, there are ways around those walls.  That is something I had never experienced with my other team.  Our other doctors had always been great about being available, and that was a resource I did not want to lose.

Luke finally had his expander put in place two weeks ago.  Last Friday, I took him to the oral surgeon two have it screwed into place while Luke was under anesthesia.  The screws are their method of holding it in place, since Luke's molars aren't all properly in yet.

The expander is quite a contraption, which completely contains nearly all of his upper teeth like a tray.  Having him sedated, and watching him suffer as he encounters these various procedures, or surgeries -- whatever you want to call it -- never fails to make me feel anxious.  Is that the right word?  You try to be brave and put a smile on things, while your heart is breaking for the child you love so much.  You want to make it all better, but you know the best you can do is be there and love them, while they walk through the real trials.

Luke is so brave, and so resilient.  By the end of the day last Friday, he was able to join us (in the double stroller with Nick) on a walk.  The pictures from our time together have been placed throughout this post.

Smiling.  Having fun.  Spreading his contagious joy.

For now, that is Luke's job. (OK, we'll include school work and some chores in there as well!)

I am so grateful to be his mom, and to get to advocate for him through all of these twists and turns of life with a cleft.  I wouldn't trade this boy and his smile for the world.

They are building a house next door to us.
Imagine our joy when they began parking
this truck right on our property line!
Can you tell these brothers are also best friends?

High school discernment: Battling 'what-ifs' to answer God's call

This year has been full of very big decisions.  Perhaps the most notable has been our struggle to decide where our oldest daughter will go to high school in the Fall.

Education decisions have always been difficult for us.  I remember commenting years ago about how deciding where Meghan would go to kindergarten was one of the most challenging decisions we had made at that time.  The person to whom I made that comment was confident we'd quickly learn those kind of decisions were nothing compared to the really tough things in life.

Meghan recently turned 14.

But, no.  Education decisions have continued to be some of the most difficult ones we have made.

Perhaps it's because we have so many more options than our parents did when we were young.  I started at the local elementary school (with no other school considered), and another question about where I would go to school didn't arise until I began considering colleges.

But the real reason I think these decisions have been so challenging is that they have never been just about what school our children should attend.  The heart of these decisions has always been about discerning God's will for our family at each particular juncture in our lives.  And discerning things like this, that require money, potential lifestyle sacrifices, serious ramifications, and a real decision, is challenging.  Each time we have gone through this, we have had to truly stretch and strengthen our spiritual muscles.  And each time, we have grown in faith and trust.

Celebrating the birthday girl!

For the most part, our decisions have been fairly easy.  Usually, from year to year, our children have stayed at the same school we originally chose.  But choosing that school in the first place was tough!  And then deciding to homeschool various children individually, and then all of them for a year, also was tough!  But I had felt called to homeschool our children for years, and I still am thankful for that year.

Homeschooling taught me a lot about discernment.  Before we tried homeschooling, I approached big decisions as either/or situations.  Either we would correctly discern God's will, and benefit from all of the graces associated with that, or we would get it wrong, and suffer all of the consequences associated with that.

Of course, it wasn't until later that I realized I took that viewpoint with me into big decisions.  I never consciously realized the kind of pressure I was putting on myself -- or the ways in which I was limiting God!

Jacques Philipe's book "Searching for and Maintaining Peace: A Small Treatise on Peace of Heart" revealed to me that we should carry a peace with us, even as we discern big questions.  If we do not have peace, even in those times, we need to ask ourselves why. 

Philippe also showed me that God looks more at our state of heart as we are attempting to discern than He does at whether or not we "get it right," to quote my own previously misguided notions.  Are we truly trying to discern, with good will, what God desires for our life?  Then of course, He will bless, and not punish that attempt to seek Him.

This most recent round of discernment has added something new to the lessons God has taught me through making educational decisions for my family.  When God does show us what He desires for us, and when He opens doors to make it possible, we need to say "Yes."  There are times when we do need to trust He is speaking to us.  We need to trust He will provide for us, especially when we are going where He has called us.  We need to trust not in our fear, but in our God Who is greater than any fear.

Since last October, I have felt a clear call that our daughter should attend a Catholic high school about 45 minutes from our home (as opposed to the public high school five minutes from our home).  Our daughter also experience much joy and peace during her visit to the school, and came home glowing.  God made the call a strong one, as it needed to be, since at that time it would have been completely impossible for us to make that happen.  Today, it still would have been impossible, if not for God opening doors.

He opened those doors, but I have learned one more ingredient is needed.  It is not enough for God to open doors.  We must have the courage to walk through those doors.  So many times, my husband and I have been all too willing to run the other way.

See, God has made it possible for our daughter to attend a Catholic High School next Fall.  But He hasn't made it easy.  He hasn't made it without sacrifice or the possibility for pitfalls.

What if ...?  What if ...?  What if ...?

A lot of "what-ifs" could pop up that would make next year very difficult indeed.  So do we walk away because of the "what-ifs"?  Or do we see that He opened the door, and now trust Him to walk with us as we go through it?

Our last year all at the same school for Catholic Schools Week!

My spiritual director shared with me one sentence that has finally put my heart at peace regarding our choice.  He believed, from what I had shared with him, that God was calling us to send our daughter to the Catholic high school.  In response to fears I expressed to him, he replied, "We don't get many chances to really trust the Lord."

"We don't get many chances to really trust the Lord."

Where do we want to be? Where we truly feel God is calling us, where He wanst us to grow in trust of Him?  Or where we can get by on our own resources?

I've always thought God's plan for my life would probably turn out to be a much more exciting adventure than anything I could come up with on my own.

I'm not just talking about high school here.  I am talking about life.

This guy has the right idea! Turn to Mary!
She always leads you to her Son!

I want to be very, very clear that our high school choice in no way affects my view of other families' high school choices.  God calls us all to different places, for different reasons.  We all are called to discern, and to trust.  But where He leads us from there will be different for each family.

God clearly opened doors for our family in a direction where it seemed like He was asking us to go.  And yet we still hesitated.  I have said many times I felt like the Israelites in the desert, asking for a sign.  God was sending them manna from Heaven -- bread in the morning and birds in the evening -- and yet they still questioned His wisdom and His goodness.  That always seemed so ridiculous to me.  Until I realized I am just. like. them.

It is interesting to me that God sent us this call, not after one of our best financial years, but after one of our worst.  It was not in a time when we could clearly see, "Oh look -- this is what God wants us to do, and He has already made it possible! No worries!"  But in a time when we could say, "Wow -- this will require us to trust.  But look how clearly He already has provided for us.  Surely He will continue to do so."

A year of firsts and lasts: Their first
middle school dance (sixth and eighth grade).

I am so excited for my daughter to go to this high school.  I think it will be a beautiful, growth-filled four years for her.

But I am also hesitant.  One, because of that fear thing.  And two, because I don't feel convinced God only wants us to go there because of all of the wonderful things we will experience there.  I think He believes those positives are best suited for us right now.  And I think He believes the crosses we will experience there are the ones best suited for us as well.

Both things -- the blessings and the crosses -- will be at both schools.  And while for my daughter, I am hoping the next four years are full of so many blessings, I am realizing that for myself, those crosses sure do have a way of helping me grow.  So when I see them come along, I am hoping I can give thanks, and take the opportunity to grow in trust.

My daughter is doing a report on St. Elizabeth Ann Seton this week (a very important saint in our home!).  One comment of St. Elizabeth's, which I had heard before, especially struck me this week.  As a young woman, she looked at her wonderful husband, affluent home, and five healthy children, and said, "All this and Heaven too? Impossible!"

Meaning, I think, how can we experience heaven on earth (notice the little "h"), and still be made perfect for the true Heaven?  How can our dependence on Him be complete if we never experience want?

I am not merely talking about financial needs.  St. Elizabeth also lost a husband and children.  She faced ostracism after becoming Catholic.  Many areas of our hearts need to be filled by God.

I also don't believe we are all called to experience the same loss and austerity as St. Elizabeth.  Her situation, and her comment, simply helped me consider how choosing a comfortable path for the sake of comfort, specifically when it is opposite to the direction of God's call, isn't necessarily going to lead to an easier path, in light of eternity.

One of the reasons we eventually chose to stop homeschooling was that it seemed it was time to make an easier choice.  After experiencing much loss through miscarriage, and a difficult pregnancy with Nicholas, it seemed like sending our children back to our Catholic school was both the right and easier (although still painful in its own way) option.  For my health, and for the sake of my family, I knew I would need whatever rest I could find after Nicholas was born.  And since I look back on the months after Nicholas' birth as some of the most beautiful in my life and the life of our family, I believe that was the best choice.

My Nana recently visited.  My heart was filled with such joy
to see the trusting way Nicholas held her hand.

I don't even pretend to know with certainty that we are making the right choice now, with this high school.  But I believe we are doing our best.  And we are trying to trust.  And I believe God will honor and bless that as well.

I have had to ask myself through this process, do I really believe God is Good?  Do I really believe He is trustworthy?  Do I really believe He still speaks to us?  Have I really been trying to listen?

The answer for each was "Yes."  And so we said "Yes" as well.