High school discernment: Battling 'what-ifs' to answer God's call

This year has been full of very big decisions.  Perhaps the most notable has been our struggle to decide where our oldest daughter will go to high school in the Fall.

Education decisions have always been difficult for us.  I remember commenting years ago about how deciding where Meghan would go to kindergarten was one of the most challenging decisions we had made at that time.  The person to whom I made that comment was confident we'd quickly learn those kind of decisions were nothing compared to the really tough things in life.

Meghan recently turned 14.

But, no.  Education decisions have continued to be some of the most difficult ones we have made.

Perhaps it's because we have so many more options than our parents did when we were young.  I started at the local elementary school (with no other school considered), and another question about where I would go to school didn't arise until I began considering colleges.

But the real reason I think these decisions have been so challenging is that they have never been just about what school our children should attend.  The heart of these decisions has always been about discerning God's will for our family at each particular juncture in our lives.  And discerning things like this, that require money, potential lifestyle sacrifices, serious ramifications, and a real decision, is challenging.  Each time we have gone through this, we have had to truly stretch and strengthen our spiritual muscles.  And each time, we have grown in faith and trust.

Celebrating the birthday girl!

For the most part, our decisions have been fairly easy.  Usually, from year to year, our children have stayed at the same school we originally chose.  But choosing that school in the first place was tough!  And then deciding to homeschool various children individually, and then all of them for a year, also was tough!  But I had felt called to homeschool our children for years, and I still am thankful for that year.

Homeschooling taught me a lot about discernment.  Before we tried homeschooling, I approached big decisions as either/or situations.  Either we would correctly discern God's will, and benefit from all of the graces associated with that, or we would get it wrong, and suffer all of the consequences associated with that.

Of course, it wasn't until later that I realized I took that viewpoint with me into big decisions.  I never consciously realized the kind of pressure I was putting on myself -- or the ways in which I was limiting God!

Jacques Philipe's book "Searching for and Maintaining Peace: A Small Treatise on Peace of Heart" revealed to me that we should carry a peace with us, even as we discern big questions.  If we do not have peace, even in those times, we need to ask ourselves why. 

Philippe also showed me that God looks more at our state of heart as we are attempting to discern than He does at whether or not we "get it right," to quote my own previously misguided notions.  Are we truly trying to discern, with good will, what God desires for our life?  Then of course, He will bless, and not punish that attempt to seek Him.

This most recent round of discernment has added something new to the lessons God has taught me through making educational decisions for my family.  When God does show us what He desires for us, and when He opens doors to make it possible, we need to say "Yes."  There are times when we do need to trust He is speaking to us.  We need to trust He will provide for us, especially when we are going where He has called us.  We need to trust not in our fear, but in our God Who is greater than any fear.

Since last October, I have felt a clear call that our daughter should attend a Catholic high school about 45 minutes from our home (as opposed to the public high school five minutes from our home).  Our daughter also experience much joy and peace during her visit to the school, and came home glowing.  God made the call a strong one, as it needed to be, since at that time it would have been completely impossible for us to make that happen.  Today, it still would have been impossible, if not for God opening doors.

He opened those doors, but I have learned one more ingredient is needed.  It is not enough for God to open doors.  We must have the courage to walk through those doors.  So many times, my husband and I have been all too willing to run the other way.

See, God has made it possible for our daughter to attend a Catholic High School next Fall.  But He hasn't made it easy.  He hasn't made it without sacrifice or the possibility for pitfalls.

What if ...?  What if ...?  What if ...?

A lot of "what-ifs" could pop up that would make next year very difficult indeed.  So do we walk away because of the "what-ifs"?  Or do we see that He opened the door, and now trust Him to walk with us as we go through it?

Our last year all at the same school for Catholic Schools Week!

My spiritual director shared with me one sentence that has finally put my heart at peace regarding our choice.  He believed, from what I had shared with him, that God was calling us to send our daughter to the Catholic high school.  In response to fears I expressed to him, he replied, "We don't get many chances to really trust the Lord."

"We don't get many chances to really trust the Lord."

Where do we want to be? Where we truly feel God is calling us, where He wanst us to grow in trust of Him?  Or where we can get by on our own resources?

I've always thought God's plan for my life would probably turn out to be a much more exciting adventure than anything I could come up with on my own.

I'm not just talking about high school here.  I am talking about life.

This guy has the right idea! Turn to Mary!
She always leads you to her Son!

I want to be very, very clear that our high school choice in no way affects my view of other families' high school choices.  God calls us all to different places, for different reasons.  We all are called to discern, and to trust.  But where He leads us from there will be different for each family.

God clearly opened doors for our family in a direction where it seemed like He was asking us to go.  And yet we still hesitated.  I have said many times I felt like the Israelites in the desert, asking for a sign.  God was sending them manna from Heaven -- bread in the morning and birds in the evening -- and yet they still questioned His wisdom and His goodness.  That always seemed so ridiculous to me.  Until I realized I am just. like. them.

It is interesting to me that God sent us this call, not after one of our best financial years, but after one of our worst.  It was not in a time when we could clearly see, "Oh look -- this is what God wants us to do, and He has already made it possible! No worries!"  But in a time when we could say, "Wow -- this will require us to trust.  But look how clearly He already has provided for us.  Surely He will continue to do so."

A year of firsts and lasts: Their first
middle school dance (sixth and eighth grade).

I am so excited for my daughter to go to this high school.  I think it will be a beautiful, growth-filled four years for her.

But I am also hesitant.  One, because of that fear thing.  And two, because I don't feel convinced God only wants us to go there because of all of the wonderful things we will experience there.  I think He believes those positives are best suited for us right now.  And I think He believes the crosses we will experience there are the ones best suited for us as well.

Both things -- the blessings and the crosses -- will be at both schools.  And while for my daughter, I am hoping the next four years are full of so many blessings, I am realizing that for myself, those crosses sure do have a way of helping me grow.  So when I see them come along, I am hoping I can give thanks, and take the opportunity to grow in trust.

My daughter is doing a report on St. Elizabeth Ann Seton this week (a very important saint in our home!).  One comment of St. Elizabeth's, which I had heard before, especially struck me this week.  As a young woman, she looked at her wonderful husband, affluent home, and five healthy children, and said, "All this and Heaven too? Impossible!"

Meaning, I think, how can we experience heaven on earth (notice the little "h"), and still be made perfect for the true Heaven?  How can our dependence on Him be complete if we never experience want?

I am not merely talking about financial needs.  St. Elizabeth also lost a husband and children.  She faced ostracism after becoming Catholic.  Many areas of our hearts need to be filled by God.

I also don't believe we are all called to experience the same loss and austerity as St. Elizabeth.  Her situation, and her comment, simply helped me consider how choosing a comfortable path for the sake of comfort, specifically when it is opposite to the direction of God's call, isn't necessarily going to lead to an easier path, in light of eternity.

One of the reasons we eventually chose to stop homeschooling was that it seemed it was time to make an easier choice.  After experiencing much loss through miscarriage, and a difficult pregnancy with Nicholas, it seemed like sending our children back to our Catholic school was both the right and easier (although still painful in its own way) option.  For my health, and for the sake of my family, I knew I would need whatever rest I could find after Nicholas was born.  And since I look back on the months after Nicholas' birth as some of the most beautiful in my life and the life of our family, I believe that was the best choice.

My Nana recently visited.  My heart was filled with such joy
to see the trusting way Nicholas held her hand.

I don't even pretend to know with certainty that we are making the right choice now, with this high school.  But I believe we are doing our best.  And we are trying to trust.  And I believe God will honor and bless that as well.

I have had to ask myself through this process, do I really believe God is Good?  Do I really believe He is trustworthy?  Do I really believe He still speaks to us?  Have I really been trying to listen?

The answer for each was "Yes."  And so we said "Yes" as well.