Back to school with Mother Teresa

This last stretch of summer has gone much too quickly.

Although my children will be in school soon, I have been feeling called to clean house -- not just to clean, but to dig deep in an attempt to bring some more order and peace to our days.  It has been hard work, but I do think it's already having the hoped-for result.

But wow, has it been a lot of work! And it will require work to stay that way.

It's always such a balancing act, for me at least -- trying to maintain the house both for the peace and order it brings and for the lessons it teaches our children, and trying to spend time with those very children for whom I am working so hard!

Yesterday, as I listened to Catholic radio, someone shared a beautiful message Blessed Mother Teresa expressed before -- that it is not what we do, but who we are that matters to God.  I can just feel tension and anxiety grow within me when I start working so hard, and leaving so little time for anything else, that it begins to feel like I was made to work.

No.  I was made to love and to be loved.  To serve others with my gifts, and yes, that often involves a whole lot of work. But the work is not, at least should not, be my master.  I was not made to serve the work.

And you know what? The work will always be there.  If I don't get to them today, most things will still be there tomorrow.

But these days with my children won't be.  At least, not in this same way.

So, I was glad to check off a couple things on our summer bucket list this week.  Things like teaching this guy to ride a two-wheeler.

Actually, I don't know if we taught him.  We just gave him the time, and suddenly everything clicked.  The next day, the same thing happened for his younger sister.

We made our annual trip to a local ice cream store to celebrate.

We've also been having fun watching Nicholas learn to walk, and to dance!  I wish I knew how to put the video on here to show you!

I can't believe my children head back to school Tuesday.  I am not a mom who looks forward to this!  I usually spend this last week contemplating throwing all our plans out the window and just homeschooling again.  But while we may homeschool again for some child some day, that probably wouldn't be the best way to go about it!  And I do believe this will be a great year for all of them.  I am so excited to see how they will grow!

Part of what I dread about school is that busy-ness I just discussed.  My favorite days this summer are the ones when I have had time before the day began to sit with our Lord.  Sometimes I was able to carry that stillness, and that love, with me through the rest of the day.  I think that helps my children realize they are more important than their work, too.  They are simply loved. Period.

Interestingly enough, that knowledge probably enables us to do our best work.  Or, at least our most important work.

One of my favorite stories is from a book by Mother Teresa.  She tells about a young nun, about to graduate from college, who suddenly got sick and was dying.  The young nun asked her Mother Superior hy God would allow this to happen when she had so much ahead of her, so much to do?

The Mother responded, "God does not want what you can do.  He wants you."

May we all remember that as we head into the busy days ahead.  The Lord hungers for our hearts, not for the things we can check off our to-do list, or the activities to which we shuffle our children.

Those things may be important. But not more important than us.  Not more important than our peace, our joy, our faith, our family relationships. 

My prayer for my family and yours this Fall is that we can walk with God, and that we can find time, not necessarily to do everything, but to do those things that are most important.  And to do them with great love.

Overheard (On the importance of family) ...

We spent part of last week camping on Lake Michigan.  What a gift -- both the time together and the beauty of the area!

A conversation I overheard the morning we were packing sums up my feelings about our annual vacation.  Two elderly men crossed paths on the road directly in front of me and had this talk.  I couldn't make this up; it was so perfect! I immediately ran for my I-Pad and wrote it down to share here.  Sometimes, even on vacation, technology can be a good thing. (Although not usually -- the I-Pad's main purpose was to play Nick's favorite song, repeatedly, at bedtime.)

First the men said hello, then one commented on the other's nice dog, and asked what he had been doing lately.  The rest went as follows:

"Been spending time with family."

"You can never get enough of that. Time with family."

"Yep.  It's the most important thing."

"Yeah, life gets in the way of it sometimes."

"Well, see ya."

Nicholas had so much fun with my Dad at the campfire!

What wisdom!

The day after we came home, my Grandmother turned 93 years old.  We took her some homemade brownies and some creative artwork designed by my six-year-old.  Thankfully, that was one more day during which, for a while at least, life did not get in the way!

Later today, I take Luke to see a voice specialist for issues related to his cleft.  We have been waiting for this appointment for a long time. I'm very interested to hear what she says.  So far, my interactions with her have been very positive.  I am thankful Luke has so many dedicated, talented people helping him!

My week with Pinterest

Last night, after less than a week of enjoying the beautiful, creative ideas I found there, I deleted the Pinterest app from my I-pad.

I had considered the site with skepticism for a couple years.  It sounded like a great idea, but I know I have a habit of getting caught up in things.  For instance, when I first joined Facebook, and subsequently spent a good chunk of my day thinking about what I should post on my wall.  (Yes, I am willing to humiliate myself for the sake of honesty in this blog!)

I am pleased to report I now enjoy closer communications with friends through Facebook, as well as links to some interesting news stories and blogs, without giving much thought to it at all throughout my day.  But, not infrequently, I still find myself begrudging the loss of time that would have been better spent elsewhere!  The balance can be tough to strike.

Here's one of my more Pinterest-worthy projects:
We turned a broken, full-sized bed into a bench. 

Last week, though, I spent a day with an old friend, and she mentioned a few recipes she'd found on Pinterest that all sounded delicious.  My family has been struggling through a dry spell in terms of dinner-time creativity ever since Nicholas was born last Fall. So, with this specific purpose in mind, I decided to give Pinterest a try.

To establish an account, I had to pick five boards from various topics.  I chose meals, some home décor and organization, and clothing.  For some reason -- I think just to get on with it already -- I clicked two clothing pages and then was welcomed to my Pinterest home page.

Oh, the outfits!  So cute, so stylish, so beautiful! So completely unrealistic for me right now!  Just yesterday, I went to put on a dress for church when I had to stop myself and go for the somewhat-dressy shirt and capris instead.  I am nursing.  Right now, as far as fashion is concerned, having a contented, non-hungry baby is my top priority.

I'm sure there are nursing mothers who look fabulous.  (Edited to add: Here I mean magazine-photo-shoot fabulous!  That is what I saw on Pinterest.  I know many moms who are beautiful, both inside and out!)  And I'm not saying I have given up on my appearance!  Just that I have a very specific style need right now.  I also have limited resources of time and money, and I want to use them wisely.

I found this old window at a garage sale, literally on my way
to move things into our new home, six years ago.  It caught my eye
as I drove along with my van full of stuff!  Now it's in our dining room.

Even more important: I want to be content with what I already have.  Like a 10-month-old baby with roly-poly thighs whose sweet cuddles I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.  Why spend time looking at clothes that might make me discontented with either the short time I will have to nurse him, or with my choice to be a stay-at-home mom who really doesn't need, and simply can't have, all the options so beautifully displayed there?

So, while I admired the clothing (really, so pretty!), I moved on to menu planning, and found some delicious-looking baked oatmeal bars I would like to try.  I also found an idea for a dry-erase board menu planner that I initially wanted to copy in its entirety (which could have taken hours). Instead, I scaled it down to a simple dry-erase board on my refrigerator that I made into a monthly calendar for posting my meal plans.  So far, I love it!  With tonight's meal in sight through the day, it encourages me to start thinking about it, and actually getting items defrosted in time!  I hope it continues to work.  Thank you, Pinterest!

Then, I moved onto home décor, with my eye open for organizing ideas.  Every mom needs more of that, right? (Or at least, this mom does!)

Again, I found many creative, practical ideas.  They were all beautifully done, and some are so simple.

But you can't get around the fact that it all still requires time.  And running to the store (which I try to do as little as possible).  And just energy that I should probably be focusing elsewhere at the moment.  As I told my husband, I really think the best decorating I could do for my house right now is to try to keep it cleaner!

Still, I thought implementing some of these ideas might help me get more excited about keeping my house clean!  And that would be a win-win for everyone!

While I was scrolling through Pinterest pages (during Nick's time nursing), I looked into some great ideas for an old steamer trunk I have from my great-grandmother that, for a long time now, I have wanted to use in some practical, beautiful way.  And I learned how to do something else I have been wanting to do for the six years we have been in our home -- put picture-frame molding around our big, builder-grade bathroom mirrors.  I discovered it's very doable, and really transforms the room.

This trunk once belonged to my great-grandmother.
I wish I knew the story behind it!

But then I came across some beautiful kitchens. (Have I mentioned I might like to re-paint mine some day?)  And a master bedroom the color I originally wanted ours, with a bedspread I have actually spent some time dreaming about getting.

Suddenly, everywhere I looked in my home, there was a project begging to be done!  But we haven't even had time to fix the shower that leaked onto the kitchen table three months back!  And what's really been weighing on my heart (pre-Pinterest) is simply to sit down and read more books with my children!

I think I've realized I don't really enjoy daydreaming unless I can follow it up with implementing.  If I get to a time and place where repainting our kitchen/bedroom/entire house is a possibility -- bring it on!  I think, then, I could pin with the best of them!

Right now, though, my energy is needed elsewhere (my husband's too; he's the painter).  And that's OK.  But Pinterest made me feel like maybe it wasn't.  Like I'd rather squeeze out time for redecorating instead of doing things the people in this house need the most right now -- things like reading those books.

I hope I'll have a chance to re-load that Pinterest app one day; and I'm really happy for everyone who has the time to use it a wise manner.  But what my family needs the most right now is for me to slow down a bit; to make time for God, and each other; and to simply be grateful for, and to make the most of, all of the beauty, and warmth, and function that already is our home.

Answering the big cleft questions

On the way home from his piano lessons a couple days ago, Luke asked me, in a quiet voice from the back seat, "Mommy, will I have to get a cleft lip?"

Oh, how my heart ached at that moment!  I explained, "No, honey, you won't get a cleft lip.  You were born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate."

These questions started after Luke began school last Fall.  I don't know if before that, he had ever realized he was different from other kids.  To us, he isn't.  And in every way that matter, he isn't -- except, maybe, that his heart is softer, and his sense of humor is quirkier. (Which I love!)

He continued, "Why was I born with a cleft lip?"

I responded, "I'm not sure.  For some reason, when you were forming inside of me, your lips just didn't come together in those places."

"God made me that way," he said, with his beautiful, eight-year-old wisdom.

"Yes, honey, God made you that way."

At that point, we drove into our subdivision, and I pulled the car over so I could turn around and look him in the eyes.

"And I think God made you just right, Lukey.  I don't know why God let you be born with a cleft lip, but I wouldn't change anything about you.  You have the sweetest heart, and you have brought so much love into our lives.  You have taught me so much about life.  And if having a cleft was what needed to happen for you to be who you are, that's OK.  God made you just right."

I can't promise those were my exact words, because it's hard to remember that when your heart is swelling with emotions, and tears are in your eyes.  But those words are pretty close; I felt like it was one of those moments in which God gave me just the right thing to say.  And as I said it, I was overcome with just how true it is.  Overcome with gratitude for this brave boy who has indeed lived up to his name.  He has brought so much light into our lives!

Sometimes I want to write things here about the harder things related to Luke's cleft lip.  Like the sleep study he had in June -- wondering if a surgery we chose for him to have has now given him sleep apnea.  And if that sleep apnea is affecting his growth.

But I hesitate to share those things -- and I think this is why: I don't want to scare anyone who might one day have a child with special needs.  It is a sad fact that people do choose to abort children for the simple reason that an ultrasound shows they have a cleft lip.  From what I have read, this is not an uncommon practice.

And yet, so much would have been lost if Luke had not come into the world!  And that is true for every child.  Regardless of their needs.

The reason to keep a child is not because of what they give us, but nevertheless it is true: Luke has given me more than I ever will be able to give him in return.  He has enlarged my heart.  He has taught me (and still teachers me -- I'm a slow learner) how to slow down.  He has taught me how to love better.

And although I have read in popular parenting magazines, and in national newspapers, that sometimes a woman just knows what she can and can't handle, and therefore needs to have abortion as an option, becoming Luke's mother has helped show me that what I think I can handle is actually not at all reflective of my capabilities.  I'm an overachiever -- and my aim is still so much lower (in the most important areas) than the beautiful plan God has for me.  Those decisions about what we think we can handle often give too much weight to fear, and leave virtually no room for grace.

My heart was so gripped with this thought -- that someone, out of fear, could miss out on the amazing gift of a child like Luke in their lives -- that I called the local Pregnancy Help Clinic shortly after his birth to volunteer to speak with anyone who might have an ultrasound that showed their child also had a cleft.

See, I had someone to tell me it was going to be OK**.  But I know not everyone has that.

And my heart still is gripped with this thought -- filled with the love this child has brought into so many people's lives.  In fact, during my last pregnancy, when we were talking about the ultrasound, and the possibility of another child with a cleft, and there was a student nurse in the room, I made some comment like, "It's OK if the child has a cleft.  We don't really even think of that as a special need any more.  Luke's just such a gift."

After all, that student nurse might one day have a patient shocked by the news that her unborn child has a cleft.  And I want her to share the hope I have for that child, and for that family.

But my midwife -- whom I love, but who perhaps didn't quite grasp what I wanted to say in this moment, said, "Yes, but sometimes a cleft is accompanied by other syndromes or conditions."

And what I wanted to cry out, but didn't, was, "Well, I didn't mean his cleft doesn't require anything of us!  I didn't mean we don't have extra doctor appointments, or heartache!  And yes, it could be so much harder.  But even if it had been -- he still would have been a gift!  The love he would have given would still have been greater than the cross we were asked to bear.  Yes, we would have been stretched, and maybe even broken, beyond what we thought possible -- but God still would have been there."

And I think my answer to Luke's question still would have been the same.  I don't know why God gave you a cleft, but I love you.  And I think He made you just right.

**I thought I had written about this before, but in looking through old posts, I realize I haven't.  In addition to the experience in Adoration I wrote about in the linked post, when I felt like God said everything would be "OK" with our new baby (His OK; not ours!), I had another experience when I returned to Adoration and mentioned to a man there that our new baby had a cleft.  He exclaimed, "It's going to be OK!"  When I looked at him quizzically, he explained that his oldest son had been born with a cleft, and is now married to a beautiful wife and has three sweet daughters.  I had never met anyone before who had a child with a cleft.  I know God put us there together!  Eight years later, we still exchange Christmas cards!