Oh, how my heart ached at that moment! I explained, "No, honey, you won't get a cleft lip. You were born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate."
These questions started after Luke began school last Fall. I don't know if before that, he had ever realized he was different from other kids. To us, he isn't. And in every way that matter, he isn't -- except, maybe, that his heart is softer, and his sense of humor is quirkier. (Which I love!)
He continued, "Why was I born with a cleft lip?"
I responded, "I'm not sure. For some reason, when you were forming inside of me, your lips just didn't come together in those places."
"God made me that way," he said, with his beautiful, eight-year-old wisdom.
"Yes, honey, God made you that way."
At that point, we drove into our subdivision, and I pulled the car over so I could turn around and look him in the eyes.
"And I think God made you just right, Lukey. I don't know why God let you be born with a cleft lip, but I wouldn't change anything about you. You have the sweetest heart, and you have brought so much love into our lives. You have taught me so much about life. And if having a cleft was what needed to happen for you to be who you are, that's OK. God made you just right."
I can't promise those were my exact words, because it's hard to remember that when your heart is swelling with emotions, and tears are in your eyes. But those words are pretty close; I felt like it was one of those moments in which God gave me just the right thing to say. And as I said it, I was overcome with just how true it is. Overcome with gratitude for this brave boy who has indeed lived up to his name. He has brought so much light into our lives!
Sometimes I want to write things here about the harder things related to Luke's cleft lip. Like the sleep study he had in June -- wondering if a surgery we chose for him to have has now given him sleep apnea. And if that sleep apnea is affecting his growth.
But I hesitate to share those things -- and I think this is why: I don't want to scare anyone who might one day have a child with special needs. It is a sad fact that people do choose to abort children for the simple reason that an ultrasound shows they have a cleft lip. From what I have read, this is not an uncommon practice.
And yet, so much would have been lost if Luke had not come into the world! And that is true for every child. Regardless of their needs.
The reason to keep a child is not because of what they give us, but nevertheless it is true: Luke has given me more than I ever will be able to give him in return. He has enlarged my heart. He has taught me (and still teachers me -- I'm a slow learner) how to slow down. He has taught me how to love better.
And although I have read in popular parenting magazines, and in national newspapers, that sometimes a woman just knows what she can and can't handle, and therefore needs to have abortion as an option, becoming Luke's mother has helped show me that what I think I can handle is actually not at all reflective of my capabilities. I'm an overachiever -- and my aim is still so much lower (in the most important areas) than the beautiful plan God has for me. Those decisions about what we think we can handle often give too much weight to fear, and leave virtually no room for grace.
My heart was so gripped with this thought -- that someone, out of fear, could miss out on the amazing gift of a child like Luke in their lives -- that I called the local Pregnancy Help Clinic shortly after his birth to volunteer to speak with anyone who might have an ultrasound that showed their child also had a cleft.
See, I had someone to tell me it was going to be OK**. But I know not everyone has that.
And my heart still is gripped with this thought -- filled with the love this child has brought into so many people's lives. In fact, during my last pregnancy, when we were talking about the ultrasound, and the possibility of another child with a cleft, and there was a student nurse in the room, I made some comment like, "It's OK if the child has a cleft. We don't really even think of that as a special need any more. Luke's just such a gift."
After all, that student nurse might one day have a patient shocked by the news that her unborn child has a cleft. And I want her to share the hope I have for that child, and for that family.
But my midwife -- whom I love, but who perhaps didn't quite grasp what I wanted to say in this moment, said, "Yes, but sometimes a cleft is accompanied by other syndromes or conditions."
And what I wanted to cry out, but didn't, was, "Well, I didn't mean his cleft doesn't require anything of us! I didn't mean we don't have extra doctor appointments, or heartache! And yes, it could be so much harder. But even if it had been -- he still would have been a gift! The love he would have given would still have been greater than the cross we were asked to bear. Yes, we would have been stretched, and maybe even broken, beyond what we thought possible -- but God still would have been there."
And I think my answer to Luke's question still would have been the same. I don't know why God gave you a cleft, but I love you. And I think He made you just right.
**I thought I had written about this before, but in looking through old posts, I realize I haven't. In addition to the experience in Adoration I wrote about in the linked post, when I felt like God said everything would be "OK" with our new baby (His OK; not ours!), I had another experience when I returned to Adoration and mentioned to a man there that our new baby had a cleft. He exclaimed, "It's going to be OK!" When I looked at him quizzically, he explained that his oldest son had been born with a cleft, and is now married to a beautiful wife and has three sweet daughters. I had never met anyone before who had a child with a cleft. I know God put us there together! Eight years later, we still exchange Christmas cards!
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