How to win the battle for hearts

We are in a fight for the hearts of our teenage daughters.

Whether or not we know it doesn't change the fact that a battle is being waged. They are being assaulted with images and voices from all sides telling them they are not good enough.

They need to hear the truth from us every day: they are good enough; they are loved. And not just loved by us; Loved by the One who shed His blood to set them free.

I heard this message Thursday night at a talk I attended with my daughter – a talk I hope changes our relationship forever.

We were at Heart to Heart, a Catholic Women's apostolate in Ann Arbor, MI. Debbie Herbeck spoke to the mothers, and the girls were in another room with their own set of speakers and musicians.

The moms' talk began with a video of a girl speaking, sharing the voices in her head, the thoughts she thinks about herself. Debbie says these voices speak to almost all young women. I trust her opinion on this because according to the Renewal Ministries website, she “has worked extensively in youth and women’s ministry for the past thirty years, doing evangelism on university campuses, speaking at conferences and retreats, directing Pine Hills youth camp, leading mission trips, and mentoring high school and college age women.” Debbie is filled with a light and a passion, and a love for serving teenage girls.

I also trust Debbie's opinion on this because I was once a teenage girl, and some of those voices sounded familiar. They also broke my heart as I thought of my own precious daughters.

“I am ugly. I am fat. I am alone. I am not good enough. Who would know if I was gone? Would anyone care?”

It was beginning to seem hopeless, but then a light broke through the voices. (Oh, how I hope this light breaks through my daughters' voices!)

 

“Jesus. He loves me. He died for me. I am good enough. I am more than good enough – I am His beloved. In His sight, I am beautiful. He created me – ME – for a purpose. He finds joy in me.”

I am not doing justice to the voices, to the transition from the girl feeling lost and hopeless, to her slow realization that God loved her, that she could never be alone, and that even more than that, Someone wants a relationship with her, knows her heart, and finds it beautiful.

I think that's what Herbeck means when she says to tell girls they are “good enough.” They don't need to achieve more, or to look more beautiful, in order to have value, and to be loved.

God knows all of our faults and weaknesses and still loves us as we are. Although He encourages us to continue growing closer to Him, and to grow in loving ourselves and others, we don't have to attain some higher level of “goodness” in order to be loved by Him.

Herbeck discussed the many distractions competing to prevent our children from hearing this Voice of Truth. How often do our youth experience silence? How comfortable are they (or are we) in it?

She also discussed dangers of media like Facebook, Twitter, and Snap Chat. How can teens ever live up to that one perfect image captured in their Facebook profile? How can their lives ever be as perfect as the ones they see reflected in their friends' status updates? There is a disconnect between what is reflected in these “snapshots” of life and reality. And teenagers aren't necessarily mature enough to understand that, just like their “snapshots” don't capture the whole picture, neither do their friends'. Instead, they often are left feeling like they are falling short between who they know themselves to be and the image they are projecting to the world.

How do we reach our children through the strong pull of all these voices? Debbie recommends practicing the “ministry of presence.” It's something we need to learn – my children are definitely not the only ones in our home drawn by the pull of computers, Internet, television, telephone, and things to do. Not that these things don't have a place, but some conversations need our full engagement.

Also, to battle our teenagers' selfishness, Herbeck says we need to teach them that our lives are gifts to be given away. We need to help them open their eyes to the needs of others, and we need to help them see things in the light of eternity.

Most of all, we need to help them fall in love with Jesus.

This one can be tough for a couple reasons. One, while we can introduce our children to the Lord and our faith, they have to choose whether or not to make it their own. And two, most of us probably are still growing in our own relationship with the Lord. If so, we should invite them to join us on the journey.

Herbeck made it clear that while our voices as parents are important to our children, they also need to hear and see other young women passionately pursuing their faith and dreams. Environment matters. In fact, the two young women who shared their conversion stories with us (ages 18 and 30) both had parents strongly grounded in the faith; however, they both began to form their own relationships with Jesus after meeting other young women who had faith so bright it drew them into it as well.

Our children need our support and love and prayers to help them find their light, and to be that light to others! (Mat 5:15, Luke 11:33)

At the end of the talk, a friend of mine stood up and shared that she recently had watched some YouTube videos called “Fearlessly Beautiful” by Pinckney High School youth. This is our area high school, and lately our community has mourned many youth lost to drug overdoses or suicide. These “Fearlessly Beautiful” videos began from some PHS students who wanted students to have a place to share their “secrets” in order to help other students know they are not alone in their pain.

I watched three of these videos this morning (there are a lot more than that!), and my heart breaks for these students. They are showing us the voices in their heads. And truly, they are so brave. They are grieving their friends lost to suicide and drug use, and they are sharing their stories to try to prevent more deaths. Some of them have considered suicide as well, but now they want to tell people not to consider that path, because they are not alone.

Seeing these young people step out in this brave way, when they are carrying so much pain, breaks my heart. As my friend shared at the conference, what these videos are missing is any kind of true antidote. In the videos I watched, the youth did not come to the realization that they are precious and that they are loved. They have not found that one relationship in which they truly always will be loved and good enough.

We who know this Truth need to continue to speak it into the hearts of our own children, and into the hearts of others. Since Thursday, I have found my heart so softened toward my daughter, and I already have seen fruit in our relationship. My children are saying things like, “Mom's going crazy,” because I can't stop telling them I love them, and that they are good enough. They are more than good enough.

And, crazy or not, I am going to keep saying it.

I feel the need to add that shortly after writing this post, I learned that the 14-year-old daughter of a man I went to high school with committed suicide in a town just down the road from mine.  My heart grieves for this girl and for her family. They are all in my prayers.  Also, I cannot help but think again how much Debbie Herbeck's message -- this message of God's love -- needs to be shared.