Winds of Change, Part I

"Not my will, but thine, be done" (Lk 22:42).

There is a lovely book by George MacDonald, called At the Back of the North Wind, that I read to my youngest son a few years ago. The friend who recommended it compared the North Wind in MacDonald's book to the Holy Spirit, and she discussed the beauty she saw in allowing the Holy Spirit to blow about in our lives as He willed.

Wind, after all, does not blow in a constant and expected direction, merely pushing us along the path we had already outlined for ourselves. It changes direction without a moment's notice, and my friend's encouragement was that whenever we sensed the Wind—in this case, the Lord—nudging us in a new direction, we should listen and respond. This is only possible, of course, if we are holding on to our own plans lightly. Even then, it can be hard to let go and trust that whatever is around the next corner will indeed come from the hands of One who loves us.

 . . . . .

I changed the trajectory of my life six months ago. For a time after Covid, I had been homeschooling my youngest son, helping my husband run his business after a year frought with stress, and working part-time at a job I loved. Individually, each thing was possible and beautiful. Put together, along with the needs of four other children, it was too much.

My first move was to research schools, because it made sense to enroll my youngest son in school again (he had been in first grade when Covid hit), and balance my part-time position and helping my husband while my children were in school. But something kept tugging at my heart, saying that I was needed at home for more than that situation would allow for, and my husband agreed. We decided I would leave my part-time job and continue homeschooling.

When I told the school we had been interested about our change in plans, they expressed their disappointment and told me what a great fit they had thought our son and family would have been at their school.

Well.

The desire to be part of something, to be wanted, is strong. Why would I leave my dear coworkers and take on the lonely job of homeschooling (I know there are wonderful homeschooling communities, but I hadn't connected with one yet), when there was an opportunity for community right here? How could I let go of so much, including the extra financial security that came with my job?

The next day, I emailed the principal to say we'd changed our mind, we would attend the school, and that my deposit was on the way. After all, surely the Lord didn't want to blow me in a direction that would require letting go of quite that much, did He?

Thankfully, that North Wind is persistent. We had made our decision, but although all the practical points seemed settled, the "peace that surpasses all understanding" was missing from the equation. When I had considered leaving my job, it had sometimes made me cry. Now, when I made a decision for more relative comfort and security, I also cried. These tears were different, however. With these, something in my heart suggested I had missed an opportunity to take a leap of faith and go on an adventure with the Lord that would bear fruit, although I couldn't quite see where it would lead. It wasn't that the comfort and security were bad; it was that in this case, He was asking something else of me.

That lack of peace remained, and I finally discussed it with my husband, my parish priest, and my spiritual director. They all agreed that my original assessment, that the Lord was calling me to step away from the job I enjoyed to support my husband, homeschool our son, and be home more, seemed the right one. There was something so simple and beautiful in the sacrifice. Most importantly, there was peace.

My husband and I agreed this step was important to help our family and our business regain some of the stability that had been shaken during the eighteen months since Covid began. I needed to shift my focus homeward, to the relationships and situations there, and to offering my husband more focused support in running the business that keeps the lights on for our family. My son's joy at getting to homeschool again, the happiness of my other children at the thought of my time being less divided (which I hadn't realized was upsetting them as much as it was), and my husband's evident need for additional support in managing all of the changes Covid brought to his business all confirmed that we were moving in the right direction.

To be continued . . .