Holding on to Hope

I have been away from blogging for a while.  But with good reason.  I am pregnant!  And since I have experienced previous pregnancy losses, for me a new pregnancy doesn't just mean it's time to wait.

 

It is a time to wait.  But also, I have my progesterone monitored through the Pope Paul VI Institute.  So there are blood tests and things to organize.  And in the case of this pregnancy, while I was originally just concerned about the progesterone numbers, the hcg is causing the most worry.

 

In the midst of finding out I am pregnant, and going in for blood work,
we celebrated Luke's First Communion.  It was a beautiful, blessed day!

It is not doing what doctors would expect hcg to do.  And so they sent me in for an ultrasound yesterday.  A week earlier, at five weeks, everything looked like it should (I had gone in because the hcg had them worried about an ectopic pregnancy).  There was no heartbeat yet, but I was told that was to be expected.

 

One week later, apparently no heartbeat means they do not expect the pregnancy to be viable.  That is what they told me when there was still no heartbeat at yesterday's ultrasound.

 

I was heartbroken.

 

 

Although I had been a bit surprised when I found out I was pregnant, there seemed so many reasons to hope.  Although I, probably like most people, had my moments of fear, I knew there was definitely enough love in our family to share with a precious new life.

 

And every time I opened my Magnificat, those reasons for hope seemed to be emblazoned on neon signs.  Every verse was so encouraging, every time I reached for God's Word.

 

Like the day I found out I was pregnant, on the Feast of St. Joseph the Worker: "Over all, his glory will be shelter and protection: shade from the parching heat of day, refuge and cover from storm and rain." (Is 4:6)

 

Kate had a dance recital on the day of Luke's
First Communion! She was so beautiful!

Or the day I was concerned about how we would provide for six children: "Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not more important than they?" (Matt 6:26)

 

Or just before I walked into my first ultrasound, on the Feast of Our Lady of Fatima: "The eyes of the Lord are upon those who love him; he is their mighty shield and strong support, a shelter from the heat, a shade from the noonday sun, a guard against stumbling, a help against falling." (Sirach 34:16)

 

And, "My God is the rock where I take refuge; my shield, my mighty help, my stronghold." (Ps 18:3)

 

 

I understand that the combination of no heartbeat and the hcg numbers strongly suggest this pregnancy will not have a positive outcome.  But still, I am choosing to hope. (There is a website, Misdiagnosed Miscarriages, that suggests miscarriages are sometimes diagnosed too early.)

 

A favorite college professor of mine once said that if you are the fastest runner in a race, it's not really that you hope to win.  You expect to win.

 

Apparently there is something about the virtue of hope that grows when the odds are stacked against it.

 

Padre Pio said, "Pray, hope, and don't worry."

 

I try to pray.  I hesitate to hope.  And I worry much too often.

 

But for this baby, over the next two weeks, I am going to take a leap.  I am going to pray.  I am going to hope.  And I am going to try not to worry.

 

God will be with us.  He always has been.  As the Book of Job says, and as I was so grateful to hear a beautiful song express on my way home from the doctor yesterday, "The Lord gave and the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21)

 

 

Remember the story of the persistent widow, who received a just judgment simply because she refused to stop asking (Luke 18:1-8)?  God wants us to ask for the desires of our hearts.  So I will ask for my child.  And if His answer is "no," I pray I will trust it is because He knows something I don't.

 

But at least I will know I asked.  For Nicholas, I knew I had to take progesterone shots; I knew if anything happened to my pregnancy and I hadn't tried that, I would always regret the decision.  With the shots, I knew I'd done everything I could.

 

 

For this baby (in addition to the shots), all I can do is pray (I did that for Nicholas as well, but it was a different situation).

 

Will you join me in prayer?  I am praying specifically for the intercession of St. Gianna Beretta Molla.

 

My next ultrasound is scheduled for June 3.  At that time, we will know so much more.

 

Until then, I am going to take a deep breath, and be grateful for the miracles of life that surround me -- including the one we haven't yet met, but already love.  Until then, I am going to hope.