Following the Lord on a New Journey

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I haven't written in so long. I think there are three parts to what I need to say to catch up.

1. "My food is to do the will of Him who sent me . . ." (Jn 4:34).

Months ago, now, I started a still-unfinished post with those words, and continued with, "These are the words on my heart right now. These are the words I am wrestling with, as Jacob wrestled with the angel, refusing to give up until he received the Lord's blessing (Gn 32)."

My son was sick, had been sick, and still is sick. I could sense the Lord asking us to actually shift the direction of our family life, and in addition to not wanting my son to be sick, I was struggling with not wanting to have to let go of the comfortable and affirming parts of my life.

2. Obedience and a "God of the third option."

A close friend of the late Fr. Michael Scanlan told me he often referred to God as "God of the third option." In my recent experience, it is so very true.

Between Luke's illness, his siblings' struggles with adjusting to a new way of life, and the ever-increasing obviousness that I will have to home school Luke and Kate next year, it seemed I would need to leave my job. Twenty hours a week plus a sick child were proving to be too much. How could I hope to add home schooling to the mix?

Sometimes I would find myself crying and—I hate to admit this—I would feel very guilty, because it wasn't always clear whether I was crying because I was sad about Luke, or about leaving my job.

After many visits to Adoration and Luke's doctor's visit at an out-of-state hospital in May, when the doctor gave us a plan that will hopefully help Luke, but may take another six months, I knew I had to act. The one thing I held on to was obedience. I believed the Lord wanted me to do this. It seemed like my increased presence in our home would help Luke and my other children—and Luke's smile when I told him about the plan confirmed that thought for me.

In Sr. Ann Shields' booklet Yielding to the Power of God, she discusses a very similar experience in her own life, when the Lord asked her to change her life in a significant way. At first she did so begrudgingly—until a friend asked her whether she truly believed that the Lord's will for us is what makes us happy.

Sr. Ann came to change her perspective, and much fruit has been borne of that decision. In my own situation, I tried to remember that story, and trust that the Lord was leading my family in this direction because it is for our greatest good. Because He loves us!

Then, when I told my boss, things took an unexpected turn. He asked if I thought I could work any hours and if there were perhaps some responsibilities I could keep.

My husband and I had talked about the possibility of me working a few hours here and there, but it seemed unlikely. We thought I would have to leave completely. This very flexible option, with significantly reduced hours, was more than we could have hoped for! We prayed about it and are giving it a try.

So you see? We thought the choice was between Option A and Option B, but our God is a God of the third option! Praise Him!

(I recently read another story about this idea of trusting that God can help us with a Plan C here. It's beautiful!)

3. Step out.

Now that I've made that leap with work, I have finally been able to make some other leaps—like ordering our curriculum for the year. Again, part of me kept wanting to put it off, hoping that Luke would be better by then.

But it's almost like that's not even the point any more. I've come to think that God is moving us in this direction because of something even bigger than Luke's illness. (How amazing to have a God who is even bigger than your child's illness! That is saying so much, because my concerns for my son go far, far deeper than anything I have shared here. But God is still faithful, especially in the storm.) Honestly, each of these small steps has brought with it a unique kind of joy and a deep peace. I can feel it permeating into our home and our children. We are moving in the right direction.

I had an experience recently in prayer, in which it felt like Jesus was standing before me and holding my hands in His, close to our faces, and squeezing them a bit—kind of like a, "We've got this!" gesture. He is on my team, and we will make it through. It was so comforting.

This week, after ordering the home school books and making many other little decisions that seem hard at first, but which move us a little bit farther down this new path, I was in Adoration, and I felt like Jesus was close to me again. This time, though, our hands weren't near our faces. He was holding only one hand, and He was stepping forward, and encouraging me to follow. I felt like He was saying, "Step out and have no fear, for I am with you."

Later that day, I came across the phrase again: "Step out."

So much is unknown to me about the direction in which we are going, but we are not alone. He is with us. He has a plan more complete and more wonderful than any we could have imaged. And all He's asking us to do now is trust.

And take that next step.