I have the saddest news to share . . . .
On Monday morning, I learned our baby died in utero. She measured 17 weeks 5 days (I was expecting her to measure 18 weeks), so she had just recently passed. But she had no heartbeat.
Nicholas was the only person with me, and he amazed me with how familiar he'd already become with these visits when we left and he kept asking, "Why aren't we getting a picture of Sissy?"
My current doctor does an ultrasound at every visit, so Nick has come to expect those keepsakes.
We never had an ultrasound with our first child, but I am so grateful for every single moment I got to see this sweet girl on screen, with her strong heartbeat and her constant movement. She was so vibrant and so alive! She took my breath away.
We named her Gianna Ceclia. There are a few stories behind her name. First, I became familiar with now-Saint Gianna when I was pregnant with Brendan and her relics came to my parish. They placed her gloves on my belly and prayed for my unborn child. I felt such a connection to her that I read books about her and have prayed to her in the past, for pregnancies and other matters.
I mentioned this story to my boss, who recently met Gianna Emanuela, St. Gianna's daughter (the one she delivered shortly before her death). He actually came into the office last Thursday with a prayers card containing a relic (a piece of St. Gianna's shirt). Gianna Emanuela gave this card to him and his wife, and they gave it to me.
It brought me such comfort. And, as we were considering the name Gianna anyway, it helped move that name into the top position.
Wen I learned a few days later that the baby had died, it seemed so natural to name her Gianna.
Cecilia is, in part, to honor Nick's insistence that we call the baby "Sissy." He loves his Sissy so much, and constantly wants to rest his head, hands, or feet on my belly. He must kiss my belly and hug it dozens of times every day. His certainty that this baby was a girl was so great that I am almost convinced his guardian angel whispered it to him. I remember telling him about the pregnancy, and how he had a moment of doubt and uncertainty (he has, after all, been rather spoiled by being the baby all these years), but then after a moment, he seemed so happy, certain, and in love with what he was positive was his baby sister.
He actually said to the baby sitter this morning, "Did you hear Sissy died?"
When she replied in the affirmative, he said, "I wish (he paused, and sighed) I could hold her and love her."
Such a boy.
St. Cecilia also is a patron of music, and I feel, in some way, this baby is part of a song my husband and I are offering to God with our lives. Or at least, of the offering we are making, the part with her is so beautiful, it is like a song. That has more to do with her and Him than us, but the song is there nevertheless.
Other memories I have of our daughter's short life are telling Brendan and Kate I was pregnant. Brendan was the first person I told, aside from my husband. He looked up at me with moist eyes and exclaimed, "I just had a tear!" Emotions can be hard to wrangle out of that boy, but I have never seen a love that compares to his for Nicholas and this baby.
Kate just broke into sobs, and cried, "These are tears of joy!!"
How did I raise these children, who have such beautiful hearts for new life and who are so willing to let their lives (and rooms) be re-arranged to make room for one more soul? I am so grateful for them!
After we learned the baby was a girl (oh, that ultrasound--in which she looked so healthy, strong, and beautiful!!), Kate, Nick, and I went shopping for some clothing on Kate's insistence. Kate's joy was so beautiful! She was so eager to share her bedroom and to just love her baby sister with all her heart.
I wrote in the last blog post that listening to Fr. John Ricardo helped me to see this baby was like a fine wine God was bringing into our lives--something (someone!) so beautiful that we didn't even know we needed, to add such beauty and richness to our lives.
I just want to say that I still believe that to be true. I must keep this brief, because I will leave for the hospital in a few hours to be induced and to deliver our precious daughter, and there is so much to be done before I am ready to leave my children for the night. But let me say that the Lord has worked wonders in our hearts and in our lives through this baby. He has helped us to let go of so much that isn't Him, and to put our faith so much more completely into His hands.
He is trustworthy--but so often we hold back on giving Him all of our trust. With this baby, He helped us to take some giant leaps closer to being entirely in His hands. To knowing--and living--the truth that there is the only place we will find safety.
There is so much I do not understand. I do not know why our baby died, I do not know why His purpose couldn't have been served just as well with her in our arms and our home than in heaven.
But I cannot take back the trust I put in Him when I was ready and willing to open our arms and home to the gift of a new daughter. I knew then that we were in His hands, and in His will, and that He is worthy of our trust. So I must continue to live that now, when things aren't as I would wish them to be. His faithfulness has not changed. His worthiness will never change. His love of us, and His desire for our good, always will be more than I can imagine.
We are in Your hands, dear Lord. Your Word has spoken to us today, as we prepare to go to the hospital to deliver our baby, and Monday, when we learned she was gone. Thank You for such Truth that has traveled centuries to reach our hearts and to comfort us here, where we are, today.
Thank You for the gift of Gianna Cecilia. Thank You for the gift of Meghan, Brendan, Luke, Kate, and Nicholas--and for this reminder of the miracle each of their lives is. Thank You for our marriage and the grace to live it out each day.
I simply want to post this now, but when I have time later, I hope to share some of the verses that have spoken to my heart this week. Please keep us in your prayers.
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