I'm very thankful May 19 falls on such
a special day within the Church this year, because for me this day
also has other meanings. Meanings that I don't try to remember each
year, but that are there nonetheless. My body and heart remember
before my head, feeling uncomfortable, like I don't quite fit into my
skin. But then I remember why, and it's better, because while there
is still sadness, at least I can try to put it into the context of
God's grace.
It was 20 years ago today that my best
friend, Laurie, died in a car accident. I was 10 days away from my
birthday – still just 16 – and felt I had put childhood behind
me forever.
And for about five months, two years
ago, today was the date around which I had expected to meet the child
who would have been our fifth. Our Benedict Pio would have been two this
month. And while I don't usually ask, “What if?”, my heart can't
help but miss my son.
In honor of these two, and of
Pentecost – a day of gifts – I think I will share a couple gifts
the Lord gave me even in the trials of loss.
Laurie and I had been friends since
elementary school. But the week before she died, we had been
fighting. This was not a silly, pointless argument like some we
definitely had over the years. This was a growing tension related to
some rather serious concerns.
But on the evening of May 18th,
God spoke to my heart. I wasn't practicing my faith in any
particularly serious way, and nothing like that had happened before.
But I couldn't doubt the words in my heart: “What is more important
to you: This fight, or your friendship?”
I felt stopped in my tracks, and
suddenly everything I had been struggling with seemed so clear.
Our friendship. No doubt. It was
worth so much more than being right.
So I called her – thanks be to God!
I called Laurie, and we talked, and we
acknowledged things hadn't been quite right, but that our friendship
still meant so much to both of us, and then we laughed and laughed
over silly teenage stuff.
It was wonderful.
I ended the conversation by telling
Laurie that I was trying something different with my hair – if I
was late for class the next morning, I was probably having a bad hair
day!
I did arrive late that next morning.
Before I rushed off to class, I stopped at the locker we shared, and
saw Laurie had left me a note that said, “You may be late, but at
least you are here!”
Yes, I was. But by that evening, she
wasn't. My beautiful, funny, thoughtful friend crossed into another
lane on her way to drop off some job applications, and died
instantly.
I don't want to describe, here, the
heartbreak that remained with me into the following months, and even
years. I still miss her.
But all of that pain was tempered
by the knowledge that God spoke, and by His mercy, I listened. As
much as I missed my dear friend, I found so much comfort in knowing
that we shared that final conversation, and that all wrongs between
us had been acknowledged and forgiven. I have no doubt our
conversation helped me turn to God during the struggle that followed, and during
all others I have faced since.
Making that phone call changed my life.
And I have God to thank for it.
I know not everyone has a chance to say
the things that should be said before someone leaves their life. But
I trust God; I think that day may have been the beginning of Him
showing me just how much He can be trusted. I trust healing
always is possible. We simply have to turn to Him with open hearts.
He moves in His time, but He always moves.
“It is good for me to be with the
Lord and to put my hope in Him” (Ps 72:28).
This is true for those we have loved
and lost; it is good for them to be with the Lord. And, although in a different way, it is true for us as well. So let us put our hope in Him!
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